Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.