“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
accurate
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.