God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
my mom making me talk to relatives
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My boss called in sick of me
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me