my mom making me talk to relatives
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me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout