Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
shit just got real
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines