[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
She was REALLY feeling it.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The French cow says MEUX…
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?