Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.