Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You Might Also Like
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it