wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Is your wife single?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
dutch so unserious