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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Morning my dudes.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]