m’lady
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
When you don’t understand how floors work
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers