I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Florida man
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*