I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
🙂🙃🥹
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”