today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them