No, I would NEVER put you on mute
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.