My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.