My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
What the hell is going on?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”