4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Twitter remains undefeated