You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
fired
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
hmmm
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW