Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
my one true gender
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*