My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Your honor these allegations are
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*aggressively waits in line*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha