Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?