Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Florida man
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete