My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.