Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
wtf management?!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.