My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me irl
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”