My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.