Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit