If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
You Might Also Like
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
The government even made aliens boring
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.