Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
S M O L
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Netflix and you sit over there.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
🤣😂🤣
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG