You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
this makes me so uncomfortable
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.