[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
A man of commitment.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Well, this explains it:
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Why I divorced her.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!