My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I feel attacked.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.