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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom