Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Cats (2019)
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.