The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Noah was an idiot.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.