I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.