One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*