One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?