AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Dolls on drugs