*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Animal poetry
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else鈥檚 service dog.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: I don鈥檛 really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let鈥檚 keep it that way.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I don鈥檛 have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I鈥檇 gotten that window seat.
But what if it鈥檚 actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 馃榾
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn鈥檛 previously paid for Favstar
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.