Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”