I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
#CoronaOutbreak
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
BRO LMFAO
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.