I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My diet starts in January
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Parts of a worm:
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.