god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?