When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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I’ve been drinking.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
how was your vacation
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.