I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho