Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
why I oughta
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
he looks great for his age
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?