Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?