On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team