There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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I see your IQ test came back negative
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*