I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.


I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’


they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had


♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫


I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.


Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.


I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people


[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying


4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers



4: Next time buy ones with candy in them


You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby