I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.