“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
one of
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent